Lesbi-honest • Part 3
As the years went by in Primary School I started making more friends and began to hear conversations about crushes on boys, boyfriends and all that jazz.
When it came to me asking questions about this topic I always asked about boy and girl relationships and crushes and the dynamics between the opposite gender, I never thought to mention girls possibly liking girls even though I basically had a crush on the majority of the girls I was friends with and a few girls in the years above me... Maybe a little more than a few...
At the time I never actually knew that what I thought and felt about girls was called having a crush, I genuinely thought a crush was exclusively between the opposite genders due to never seeing or hearing otherwise in school, at home, on TV or anywhere else, so being oblivious to it allowed my... unique way of thinking to come up with my own two theories when I was 9 years old...
Either I thought and felt a type of way about girls and it was a normal "girl thing" all girls looked at girls the way I did but it was an unspoken thing because it wasn't a big deal, I just thought it was a big deal because I was thinking into it too much... Or the other theory was I was just a seriously odd child.
I had those two theories, but I did still want to ask other girls questions, but I didn't... I'm trying figure out why I chose not to and to instead only ask about boys...
Maybe I had already gotten used to internalising everything, I got used to having these questions but never really taking them seriously? I didn't want to ask about it and be looked at weirdly if it was just a "me" thing? Or maybe I already knew there was more to the way I felt and thought towards girls like more than I wanted to accept and I was already trying to belittle it and that was what was swaying me to stay quiet and slowly start to dismiss how I truly felt, I just wanted to fade into the background...
I didn't want to be judged for talking about getting butterflies around certain girls, maybe that's why I stayed quiet...
My High School years were where things became even more confusing for me...
High School was where I learnt that girls actually do fancy girls, boys fancy boys and being in a relationship with the same gender existed. All of it wasn't exclusive between opposite genders, even looking at the same gender and opposite gender the same way was a thing. Ngl when I realised this I was taken back, how could I have not known about this till now? I felt like everyone else in my High School knew about homosexuality before me and thought "Did I miss that lesson in Primary School or..."
After finding out this new information I began reflecting on the girls I felt a type of way about and thought "Hmm, maybe I've been liking girls that way then... Maybe... It would makes sense... Nahh... Wait... Hmm... Let me pin that theory in my brain for another time."
I really just ended up making sure I didn't think about it, part of me didn't want to know because I didn't want to acknowledge the possibility of there being something else different about me that could be used against me, I was over with being picked on. I still just wanted to not draw any attention to myself, be inconspicuous.
Then my hormones started to slowly creep in and then hit me all at once in year 9 and that's when ignoring it became a real struggle and confused me even more... I became attracted to more guys aswell as girls and basically didn't know what to think or do with myself.
I still kept all my thoughts about girls to myself, and put the majority of the deep, important questions I should have asked myself to the back of my head and tried to only focused on liking and talking about boys and I basically kinda ran down that path, I was hyped by the hype if that makes sense.
It was nice to actually feel like I was "fitting in" with what the majority of my peers did, I can admit during High School I got easily carried away with things and did a few things because my peers were doing it... My dad would always say "Amina, you're a leader, not a follower" (Referring to all the mischief I got up to) but my arrogant self never took it in, I continued to do the same thing.
Back to my point, me getting so carried actually made me feel like a regular girl, it kind of compensated for me constantly dismissing my true feelings towards girls, I thought I couldn't express how I felt about girls, but with boys it was acceptable so I thought "Might aswell."
My early - mid teen years, basically throughout High School I was a mess, I became an hormonal, crazy mess.
My thoughts made me super cautious and anxious because I had suppressed my true self so much, as the months went by it got even worse. I tried so hard to come across as a stereotypical straight girl because I wasn't ready to tell people or even accept that I liked girls myself, I didn't want to openly talk about something I was still constantly battling with in my head.
Me being so uptight made things super awkward for me, like when a girl I lowkey had a crush on was playful towards me I would actually freeze and worried that if I brought my guard down and reciprocated her playfulness I would bait out that I liked her.
I ALWAYS felt like I had to refrain myself from being too in the moment when it came to a one on one interaction with any girl, whether it was in a setting with a few people around or just us two alone, I always thought that if I let my guard down and looked her in the eyes or made any type of physical contact, whether it a hug, holding hands, or casually linking arms to walk somewhere, I had this theory that the way I would do any type of interactions would bait out that I felt a type of way about girls.
I thought that I would instantly give off this vibe or that the way I made physical contact would make a girl instantly think that I touch the way a girl that likes girls would...
I don't know how I came up with this theory... I honestly don't know. I thought that I had a "I fancy girls" signature touch that was easily detectable by girls, I was mainly anxious about straight girls thinking I did fancy them and then them feeling uncomfortable around me and that would end up making me feel guilty and even more uncomfortable with myself and then when it came to girls I actually had a crush on I always didn't want them to know... I really sprinted with this whole theory lmao.
Looking back at my old mindset, I was really just extremely paranoid because I was in denial when it came to liking girls and at that time I didn't understand that denying something doesn't actually make shit disappear, but instead does the complete opposite. Continuing to ignore how I really felt basically turned me into a crazy and paranoid looney.
But the whole paranoid ordeal simmered down a little bit during year 10, I was less uptight and slowly started to acknowledge how I felt and didn't freak out whilst in the company of a girl. I was still guarded, but started being a tad more free and stopped disliking how I felt about girls.
This meme made me laugh so... damn... hard because it's so relatable and I really thought I was the only one that thought this.
Now let me first just clear this up, if you're reading this and you're one of the girls that went to my High School and you did "gay" shit to me or was just a little playful towards me... Don't feel no type of way.
I didn't think this with every girl I came into physical contact with.
I know that typically straight girls are comfortable being playful toward girls they think are straight because they know the girl wont try and hit on them afterwards but then find out that the girl was actually gay asf and then think "Omg I said or done this to them back then, I might of made them fancy me or think I liked girls that way too."
Obviously I found a few of my girl friends attractive and with some I was slyly mesmerised by, but most of the time it wasn't in the sense that everytime I saw them I got overexcited with butterflies in my stomach or didn't know how to act or any of that stuff because I didn't have a crush on all of my girls, I can find you attractive and not have a crush on you or have bants and it not be that deep. I'm trying to explain it better...
Have you ever been drawn towards people because of their physical attraction, the way they are and their vibe, but purely on a friend level?
Like I can be captivated by someone but in a platonic way, I feel like when it comes to me, people can't tell that's it's in a platonic way lol.
Another way to explain it would be like how a straight girl would say she has a crush on one of her girl friends, but there was no seriousness to it, it was a light hearted thing to say to oooo one another...
I don't know if I'm actually helping you understand my head space or if I'm just confusing you even more...
Anyways back to why the #GrowingUpGay meme was so relatable, I had a crush on one of my girl friends so when she was playful with me, I would reciprocate the playfulness and then we'd have a little giggle and continue with our work or whatever we was doing before, but really I would be having mad heart palpitations and butterflies and everything going on during and afterwards, but I would try my hardest to appear unfazed, remembering to laugh it off with her to make it look like I just saw it as a little bit of banter like she did.
Every time this happened I would feel super confused as to why I only had these types of feeling towards girls whereas with boys it was different... Less... They're was something missing with boys.
Then the following thoughts would be running through my mind like:
"Did she not feel that saucy but pure intimate vibe I was trying my hardest not to give off?" (But was failing because she slyly brings it out)
"Does she not feel that vibe?"
"Is it just me being my usual odd self?"
"Does she enjoy that vibe, is that why?"
"Wait... Am I really good at acting straight and like she doesn't have me sprung?"
"Was she really clueless and just thought that we're just two straight girls that done little silly things to eachother for bants...?"
When it came to me asking questions about this topic I always asked about boy and girl relationships and crushes and the dynamics between the opposite gender, I never thought to mention girls possibly liking girls even though I basically had a crush on the majority of the girls I was friends with and a few girls in the years above me... Maybe a little more than a few...
Either I thought and felt a type of way about girls and it was a normal "girl thing" all girls looked at girls the way I did but it was an unspoken thing because it wasn't a big deal, I just thought it was a big deal because I was thinking into it too much... Or the other theory was I was just a seriously odd child.
I had those two theories, but I did still want to ask other girls questions, but I didn't... I'm trying figure out why I chose not to and to instead only ask about boys...
Maybe I had already gotten used to internalising everything, I got used to having these questions but never really taking them seriously? I didn't want to ask about it and be looked at weirdly if it was just a "me" thing? Or maybe I already knew there was more to the way I felt and thought towards girls like more than I wanted to accept and I was already trying to belittle it and that was what was swaying me to stay quiet and slowly start to dismiss how I truly felt, I just wanted to fade into the background...
I didn't want to be judged for talking about getting butterflies around certain girls, maybe that's why I stayed quiet...
My High School years were where things became even more confusing for me...
High School was where I learnt that girls actually do fancy girls, boys fancy boys and being in a relationship with the same gender existed. All of it wasn't exclusive between opposite genders, even looking at the same gender and opposite gender the same way was a thing. Ngl when I realised this I was taken back, how could I have not known about this till now? I felt like everyone else in my High School knew about homosexuality before me and thought "Did I miss that lesson in Primary School or..."
After finding out this new information I began reflecting on the girls I felt a type of way about and thought "Hmm, maybe I've been liking girls that way then... Maybe... It would makes sense... Nahh... Wait... Hmm... Let me pin that theory in my brain for another time."
I really just ended up making sure I didn't think about it, part of me didn't want to know because I didn't want to acknowledge the possibility of there being something else different about me that could be used against me, I was over with being picked on. I still just wanted to not draw any attention to myself, be inconspicuous.
Then my hormones started to slowly creep in and then hit me all at once in year 9 and that's when ignoring it became a real struggle and confused me even more... I became attracted to more guys aswell as girls and basically didn't know what to think or do with myself.
I still kept all my thoughts about girls to myself, and put the majority of the deep, important questions I should have asked myself to the back of my head and tried to only focused on liking and talking about boys and I basically kinda ran down that path, I was hyped by the hype if that makes sense.
It was nice to actually feel like I was "fitting in" with what the majority of my peers did, I can admit during High School I got easily carried away with things and did a few things because my peers were doing it... My dad would always say "Amina, you're a leader, not a follower" (Referring to all the mischief I got up to) but my arrogant self never took it in, I continued to do the same thing.
Back to my point, me getting so carried actually made me feel like a regular girl, it kind of compensated for me constantly dismissing my true feelings towards girls, I thought I couldn't express how I felt about girls, but with boys it was acceptable so I thought "Might aswell."
My early - mid teen years, basically throughout High School I was a mess, I became an hormonal, crazy mess.
My thoughts made me super cautious and anxious because I had suppressed my true self so much, as the months went by it got even worse. I tried so hard to come across as a stereotypical straight girl because I wasn't ready to tell people or even accept that I liked girls myself, I didn't want to openly talk about something I was still constantly battling with in my head.
Me being so uptight made things super awkward for me, like when a girl I lowkey had a crush on was playful towards me I would actually freeze and worried that if I brought my guard down and reciprocated her playfulness I would bait out that I liked her.
I ALWAYS felt like I had to refrain myself from being too in the moment when it came to a one on one interaction with any girl, whether it was in a setting with a few people around or just us two alone, I always thought that if I let my guard down and looked her in the eyes or made any type of physical contact, whether it a hug, holding hands, or casually linking arms to walk somewhere, I had this theory that the way I would do any type of interactions would bait out that I felt a type of way about girls.
I thought that I would instantly give off this vibe or that the way I made physical contact would make a girl instantly think that I touch the way a girl that likes girls would...
I don't know how I came up with this theory... I honestly don't know. I thought that I had a "I fancy girls" signature touch that was easily detectable by girls, I was mainly anxious about straight girls thinking I did fancy them and then them feeling uncomfortable around me and that would end up making me feel guilty and even more uncomfortable with myself and then when it came to girls I actually had a crush on I always didn't want them to know... I really sprinted with this whole theory lmao.
Looking back at my old mindset, I was really just extremely paranoid because I was in denial when it came to liking girls and at that time I didn't understand that denying something doesn't actually make shit disappear, but instead does the complete opposite. Continuing to ignore how I really felt basically turned me into a crazy and paranoid looney.
But the whole paranoid ordeal simmered down a little bit during year 10, I was less uptight and slowly started to acknowledge how I felt and didn't freak out whilst in the company of a girl. I was still guarded, but started being a tad more free and stopped disliking how I felt about girls.
This meme made me laugh so... damn... hard because it's so relatable and I really thought I was the only one that thought this.
Now let me first just clear this up, if you're reading this and you're one of the girls that went to my High School and you did "gay" shit to me or was just a little playful towards me... Don't feel no type of way.
I didn't think this with every girl I came into physical contact with.
I know that typically straight girls are comfortable being playful toward girls they think are straight because they know the girl wont try and hit on them afterwards but then find out that the girl was actually gay asf and then think "Omg I said or done this to them back then, I might of made them fancy me or think I liked girls that way too."
Obviously I found a few of my girl friends attractive and with some I was slyly mesmerised by, but most of the time it wasn't in the sense that everytime I saw them I got overexcited with butterflies in my stomach or didn't know how to act or any of that stuff because I didn't have a crush on all of my girls, I can find you attractive and not have a crush on you or have bants and it not be that deep. I'm trying to explain it better...
Have you ever been drawn towards people because of their physical attraction, the way they are and their vibe, but purely on a friend level?
Like I can be captivated by someone but in a platonic way, I feel like when it comes to me, people can't tell that's it's in a platonic way lol.
Another way to explain it would be like how a straight girl would say she has a crush on one of her girl friends, but there was no seriousness to it, it was a light hearted thing to say to oooo one another...
I don't know if I'm actually helping you understand my head space or if I'm just confusing you even more...
Anyways back to why the #GrowingUpGay meme was so relatable, I had a crush on one of my girl friends so when she was playful with me, I would reciprocate the playfulness and then we'd have a little giggle and continue with our work or whatever we was doing before, but really I would be having mad heart palpitations and butterflies and everything going on during and afterwards, but I would try my hardest to appear unfazed, remembering to laugh it off with her to make it look like I just saw it as a little bit of banter like she did.
Every time this happened I would feel super confused as to why I only had these types of feeling towards girls whereas with boys it was different... Less... They're was something missing with boys.
Then the following thoughts would be running through my mind like:
"Did she not feel that saucy but pure intimate vibe I was trying my hardest not to give off?" (But was failing because she slyly brings it out)
"Does she not feel that vibe?"
"Is it just me being my usual odd self?"
"Does she enjoy that vibe, is that why?"
"Wait... Am I really good at acting straight and like she doesn't have me sprung?"
"Was she really clueless and just thought that we're just two straight girls that done little silly things to eachother for bants...?"
I never openly questioned their intentions, questioned if they liked me or if they knew I liked them because I wasn't ready to have that conversation, I was ridiculously shy when it came to that sort of stuff...
Plus I was also shit scared that if I told her, she would tell one of her closer friends, then that friend would tell their friends etc and by the next day everyone would know and I'd have to be around everyone knowing they knew and were about to ask me 21 questions and knowing my extra/introvert ass, when people came to question me, I probably would go into "shut down mode" play dumb and act asif I had short-term memory loss.
Once my anxiety on the subject had calmed down more I became comfortable with the idea of me being bisexual...
It made sense to me, I genuinely did find boys attractive and all that and also felt the same way towards girls, even though it was on a higher level, I just thought "Okay I like both genders and all that jazz, that's what bisexual means, I must be bisexual then..."
Even though I called myself bisexual, I diddid tell anyone whilst I was in High School.
Tell a lie... I remember being drunk and telling one of my best friends "I think I have a big crush on..." At the end of High School I told both of best friends that I thought I was bisexual but "Won't know until I've been with a girl."
I actually knew I didn't need to "experiment" with a girl to know for sure, as much as I loved and trusted them and knew how non-judgemental they're were, a tiny part of me didn't want to tell them that because I still had that fear of them saying "How do you know if you haven't been with a girl" I panicked when I shouldn't have lol.
But yeah, I just knew I liked girls and knew I wasn't going to be super intimate with a girl anytime soon because being with a girl meant something special to me. I always felt like that experience would be a massive deal, the most intimate thing, so I knew the girl I shared that intimacy with would have to be someone very special to me, someone I trusted completely and loved and someone that genuinly felt the same towards me, like it's a massive deal.
I saw it as an emotional, spiritual, physical experience that would connect a girl and me on a higher level, I'd have to be 100% comfortable with a girl and trust her 100% in order to share this experience with her. I knew that having sex with a girl wouldn't be a frivolous act, I knew I was a sensitive, needy, undercover mushy person so it was highly likely that I would become even more sprung or straight up fall in love with the girl.
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