Lesbi-honest • Part 4
(Another heads up for my family members... This is the saucy post...)
After High School I still thought I was bisexual as I still found men attractive and fantasied about them, I would look at a guy and think "Ooo I wouldn't mind a piece of that." Not deeping that that didn't mean what I thought it meant, it was just a flippant comment... I had to learn that from experience.
When it came to guys and sex I thought "Yes! I've fantasied about being with guys, I feel giggly from the attention and conversions had with guys, I have this intense chemistry with guys, I don't feel cringed out about the thought of having sex with a guy so I must be bisexual."
Whilst I was getting saucy with this one guy, I was thinking "You're bisexual, you find him attractive, give it some time, you're bound to like start enjoying it any... minute... now! No? Okay, give it a little longer, see how far you can go until you know for sure that it's a no go."
I was typing that thinking I shouldn't have been let out. I should of stopped, but I wanted to see if the enjoyment just took a while to kick in with me or something...
(Like it was a drug... I clearly wasn't thinking right.)
I had this thing where I would challenge myself to see how far I could go with guys, with each guy I would test myself to see if at some point I would feel... something... Anything. I felt like I had to experience every level with the opposite sex for me to know for sure that I didn't like being with guys as a whole and it wasn't just because I was saucy with one guy I wasn't really feeling or the setting I was in with a guy wasn't right etc.
I feel like I'm going to say "I should've known then" at the end of every sentence because everything was right there. I'd kissed two guys and felt nothing but disappointment. I didn't like the feeling or get fanny flutters, they were probably good kissers, but to me it was icky and felt so so so wrong. I realised kissing guys was just not for me.
But I knew kissing girls was, I'd kissed girls and *sighs* girls are just amazing, kissing girls has that "Mmmm" experience. It feels so... damn... magical.
But I still wanted to experience more with guys just to see if it was just the kissing I wasn't feeling with them.
(I'm wrote that shaking my head in shame like did I expect to enjoy having sex with a guy, get into a relationship and just never kiss him...)
But then there was this guy I was feeling when I was 18, never liked a guy as much as I liked him and that kind of gave me reassurance that I must be bisexual. He was funny asf, honest, blunt asf and had one sexy voice. We talked on the phone for hours, I'd never been on the phone to someone for so long without getting bored, I loved the conversations we had.
The vibe I got from him was intense which turned me on, I love the way certain intense vibes feel, he was a Scorpio... I feel like I have to mention his star sign so that if you've met a Scorpio you'll know what I mean when I say he had an intense vibe. We got on so well, but I was longing out linking him because I knew what was going to happen when we did...
I guess part of me wanted to long it out because my gay self didn't want to have sex with a guy... It's weird to explain, part of me didn't want to take it there and the other part of me craved him.
I ended up linking him anyways... I was curious. Every time he attempted to kiss me on the lips I was like "Nope" as much as I liked him I just could not kiss him, I knew if I kissed him it would completely put me off wanting to have sex with him and I wanted to, to see if it would be a pleasurable experience with a guy I fancied this much.
Later on I realised there was nothing actually wrong with me... Well there kinda was, I had no chill, but besides that, as much as I thought I fancied a guy, I didn't actually fancy the guy. I got overexcited and carried away with the idea of the experience, but when I actually experienced it all, I concluded "Hmmm... Yeah this isn't for me. It's cancelled, I'm over it."
I really did force the "I'm bisexual" shibang and did the most, but I had to know my limits in order for me to understand myself better and partly because I knew if I came out and said I only liked girls people would patronise me by saying "It's only because you had that one bad experience with a guy."
Bih I did it all with different guys and all of it was trash asf. Men are not for me.
I was trying to identify my sexuality using the stereotypical boxes different sexual orientations got put in which is why I didn't understand my sexuality, I didn't deep that sexuality is very fluid, there's no one way to be gay. I can't be stereotyped.
I allowed things to stunt my growth because of things that I said to myself and to others, even though deep down I knew I couldn't see myself being in a relationship with a guy, I still tried to convince myself.
I was 100% sure I was into women and there was a 5% chance I could be in a relationship with a guy so I thought "It's still a percentage so it's possible right?" And "never say never" I tried to be open minded asf but when it comes to your sexuality you can't force shit.
I saw myself being in a real, fulfilling relationship with a girl, but I purposely stunted my growth because of what people would say, I then thought about why there was this tiny possibility of me being with a guy and realised that small possibility was only there as a sort of comfort blanket for everyone else. My family as a whole isn't anti-gay, there was just a few that were abit like "Hmmm..."
Anyways... Yeah I just didn't want certain family members judging me harshly and thought if they just thought I was bisexual they would judge me less, they'd be more accepting as they'd think "Oh it's just a phase, she'll end up with a guy."
So I settled with the bisexual label for a while.
I was also concerned about saying I prefer girls because I knew 1000001 questions were going to be thrown at me by a heap of people and I am the worst when it comes to explaining things, let alone explaining myself. I thought "I'm going to look so nervous, not be able to explain myself properly and then I'm going to have to repeatedly explain myself over again, they're going to think I'm lying or something."
I felt like I had to explain everything for everyone to understand, but then I'd think "What would be the point? They're going have their own opinions no matter how I explain myself."
I would tell people that I was bisexual (I sound like I'd just been going up to random people saying "Hi, I'm bisexual" lol.) even though I knew I was not bisexual I still didn't want to openly say I was ONLY attracted to women so then I started trying to suppress my true feelings... Again.
I still wanted to be an introvert people pleaser, I didn't want to hear judgmental comments and didn't want others to feel uncomfortable around me because "being gay isn't natural."So I would tell myself "Say you're bisexual just incase. Remember that 5% Amina."
But whenever the statement "I'm bisexual" came out of my mouth, I could feel my gay self looking at my lying ass self like...
Then last year I started to focus on loving and accepting my authentic self unapologetically, I realised what other people thought of me isn't my problem, how I view myself is what matters most and that I couldn't fully love myself whilst ignoring my sexuality...
I started reflecting alot and realised I wasn't being my authentic self and I wanted to unapologetically be my authentic self, so I started to and it's made me appreciate myself more so even if people perceive what I'm doing a different type of way than it actually is, I don't feel a type of way because I know what's going on, does that make sense?
Let me give an example... It's in my nature to be flirty, I sometimes flirt with guys when there's a playful vibe between us, but someone might see it as "She likes guys." When really I'm just a Libra... Half the time we're flirting unintentionally.
Anyways lol, I began to understand that intense chemistry doesn't mean sauciness is on the table, I'm just super sensitive to vibes (Empath) I sometimes give off an intense vibe and that's not on purpose, it doesn't mean I want to get saucy with the person so I dont know why I thought it meant something different when the vibe came from a guy...
When I had that epiphany and realised I was gay asf, as amazing as I felt realising it, I didn't feel the need to tell anyone asap like I'd won a golden ticket... Well I kind of did because me accepting my sexuality was a massive deal to me.
When I did tell my mum and sister I didn't set up a family meeting or anything, I just randomly said "I've realised I'm gay asf." My mum was like "Oh okay." not in a disappointed way but in a "Why are you telling me this? Whatever way you swing doesn't change anything." and my sisters response was "Okay... I already knew this."
I started dating girls and I talk to mum and sister about alot of stuff and I didn't feel the to keep it a secret them, I love talking about my dates and stuff them so I had to tell them what's poppin'.
My dad's calm about it and I haven't said anything directly to my brothers because that's not the dynamic between us, I just make comments about women, wait one of my brothers actually know now, he liked my Instagram post where I promoted part 1.
I feel like I'm rambling more now that I'm ending this 4-part blog post...
This was a long way to just say I'm a lesbian, I wanted to type up my experience to read back on because I thought it'll be interesting to read my journey, Whilst typing this 4-part blog post I was realising even more things about myself.
I've realised how much I've grown as an individual when it comes to accepting and loving myself... I'm still on the journey, but I'm quite proud of the insecurities I've overcome so far.
I also wanted to publish my journey because if any family members wanted a Q & A with me I could just direct them to my blog as it would answer the majority of their questions.
I wanted less open-minded straight peeps to read my journey and understand that people do go from thinking they're one sexuality to another, it's more common than you think and there's absolutely nothing wrong it and instead of judging you should give props to them having the courage to explore and find out who they are and what they like.
I also wanted people that are unsure of their sexuality to not feel like they're alone and going crazy. Take your time to figure it out, there's no rush. Remove all of societies stereotyped criterias you have to meet when it comes to sexual orientations, not everybody fits into them, you don't fit into them for a reason.
Please embrace who you are, the universe will direct like-minded people in your direction, but also complete opposites to teach you something whether it be how to respond to negative comments about your sexuality etc, good or bad, it's for a reason. (I had to be realistic, didn't want to sell dreams.) I hope some of you could relate to a few things. Trust me when I tell you you're not the only one.
I hope all you guys enjoyed reading about my long, confusing, dopey journey. If you want to reach me to tell me about what you related to, want to dm me for advice or anything, you can reach me on Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr or comment down below. Thank you for reading my posts and thank you for messaging me your thoughts on my previous posts. 😌💕
Happy LGBT Pride Month!😄🌈
After High School I still thought I was bisexual as I still found men attractive and fantasied about them, I would look at a guy and think "Ooo I wouldn't mind a piece of that." Not deeping that that didn't mean what I thought it meant, it was just a flippant comment... I had to learn that from experience.
When it came to guys and sex I thought "Yes! I've fantasied about being with guys, I feel giggly from the attention and conversions had with guys, I have this intense chemistry with guys, I don't feel cringed out about the thought of having sex with a guy so I must be bisexual."
Whilst I was getting saucy with this one guy, I was thinking "You're bisexual, you find him attractive, give it some time, you're bound to like start enjoying it any... minute... now! No? Okay, give it a little longer, see how far you can go until you know for sure that it's a no go."
I was typing that thinking I shouldn't have been let out. I should of stopped, but I wanted to see if the enjoyment just took a while to kick in with me or something...
(Like it was a drug... I clearly wasn't thinking right.)
I had this thing where I would challenge myself to see how far I could go with guys, with each guy I would test myself to see if at some point I would feel... something... Anything. I felt like I had to experience every level with the opposite sex for me to know for sure that I didn't like being with guys as a whole and it wasn't just because I was saucy with one guy I wasn't really feeling or the setting I was in with a guy wasn't right etc.
I feel like I'm going to say "I should've known then" at the end of every sentence because everything was right there. I'd kissed two guys and felt nothing but disappointment. I didn't like the feeling or get fanny flutters, they were probably good kissers, but to me it was icky and felt so so so wrong. I realised kissing guys was just not for me.
But I knew kissing girls was, I'd kissed girls and *sighs* girls are just amazing, kissing girls has that "Mmmm" experience. It feels so... damn... magical.
But I still wanted to experience more with guys just to see if it was just the kissing I wasn't feeling with them.
(I'm wrote that shaking my head in shame like did I expect to enjoy having sex with a guy, get into a relationship and just never kiss him...)
But then there was this guy I was feeling when I was 18, never liked a guy as much as I liked him and that kind of gave me reassurance that I must be bisexual. He was funny asf, honest, blunt asf and had one sexy voice. We talked on the phone for hours, I'd never been on the phone to someone for so long without getting bored, I loved the conversations we had.
The vibe I got from him was intense which turned me on, I love the way certain intense vibes feel, he was a Scorpio... I feel like I have to mention his star sign so that if you've met a Scorpio you'll know what I mean when I say he had an intense vibe. We got on so well, but I was longing out linking him because I knew what was going to happen when we did...
I guess part of me wanted to long it out because my gay self didn't want to have sex with a guy... It's weird to explain, part of me didn't want to take it there and the other part of me craved him.
I ended up linking him anyways... I was curious. Every time he attempted to kiss me on the lips I was like "Nope" as much as I liked him I just could not kiss him, I knew if I kissed him it would completely put me off wanting to have sex with him and I wanted to, to see if it would be a pleasurable experience with a guy I fancied this much.
So... Umm... We kinda sorta had "No kissing" sex...
This is quite weird, but because I couldn't get into it, I imagined having sex, like I was trying think back to a fantasy I previously had to turn myself on and then when I felt a slight type of way I would return to being in the actual moment... And then I would get turnt off, I actually did this more than once, then thought "Mmm... Yeah this feels wrong on so many levels I can't describe it." So we stopped.
Afterwards I felt frustrated with myself because I couldn't understand what was wrong with me, I fancied this guy and wanted him, why did the sex feel wrong? What does this mean? Should we try again? Should we try again somewhere else? I thought "Why wasn't I into it the way I imagined I thought I would be? Why do I feel like trash and not want him to make any type of physical contact with me until I've settled all my different emotions and thoughts down? I need 10 minutes!"
Later on I realised there was nothing actually wrong with me... Well there kinda was, I had no chill, but besides that, as much as I thought I fancied a guy, I didn't actually fancy the guy. I got overexcited and carried away with the idea of the experience, but when I actually experienced it all, I concluded "Hmmm... Yeah this isn't for me. It's cancelled, I'm over it."
I really did force the "I'm bisexual" shibang and did the most, but I had to know my limits in order for me to understand myself better and partly because I knew if I came out and said I only liked girls people would patronise me by saying "It's only because you had that one bad experience with a guy."
Bih I did it all with different guys and all of it was trash asf. Men are not for me.
I was trying to identify my sexuality using the stereotypical boxes different sexual orientations got put in which is why I didn't understand my sexuality, I didn't deep that sexuality is very fluid, there's no one way to be gay. I can't be stereotyped.
I allowed things to stunt my growth because of things that I said to myself and to others, even though deep down I knew I couldn't see myself being in a relationship with a guy, I still tried to convince myself.
I was 100% sure I was into women and there was a 5% chance I could be in a relationship with a guy so I thought "It's still a percentage so it's possible right?" And "never say never" I tried to be open minded asf but when it comes to your sexuality you can't force shit.
I saw myself being in a real, fulfilling relationship with a girl, but I purposely stunted my growth because of what people would say, I then thought about why there was this tiny possibility of me being with a guy and realised that small possibility was only there as a sort of comfort blanket for everyone else. My family as a whole isn't anti-gay, there was just a few that were abit like "Hmmm..."
Anyways... Yeah I just didn't want certain family members judging me harshly and thought if they just thought I was bisexual they would judge me less, they'd be more accepting as they'd think "Oh it's just a phase, she'll end up with a guy."
So I settled with the bisexual label for a while.
I was also concerned about saying I prefer girls because I knew 1000001 questions were going to be thrown at me by a heap of people and I am the worst when it comes to explaining things, let alone explaining myself. I thought "I'm going to look so nervous, not be able to explain myself properly and then I'm going to have to repeatedly explain myself over again, they're going to think I'm lying or something."
I felt like I had to explain everything for everyone to understand, but then I'd think "What would be the point? They're going have their own opinions no matter how I explain myself."
I would tell people that I was bisexual (I sound like I'd just been going up to random people saying "Hi, I'm bisexual" lol.) even though I knew I was not bisexual I still didn't want to openly say I was ONLY attracted to women so then I started trying to suppress my true feelings... Again.
I still wanted to be an introvert people pleaser, I didn't want to hear judgmental comments and didn't want others to feel uncomfortable around me because "being gay isn't natural."So I would tell myself "Say you're bisexual just incase. Remember that 5% Amina."
But whenever the statement "I'm bisexual" came out of my mouth, I could feel my gay self looking at my lying ass self like...
I started reflecting alot and realised I wasn't being my authentic self and I wanted to unapologetically be my authentic self, so I started to and it's made me appreciate myself more so even if people perceive what I'm doing a different type of way than it actually is, I don't feel a type of way because I know what's going on, does that make sense?
Let me give an example... It's in my nature to be flirty, I sometimes flirt with guys when there's a playful vibe between us, but someone might see it as "She likes guys." When really I'm just a Libra... Half the time we're flirting unintentionally.
Anyways lol, I began to understand that intense chemistry doesn't mean sauciness is on the table, I'm just super sensitive to vibes (Empath) I sometimes give off an intense vibe and that's not on purpose, it doesn't mean I want to get saucy with the person so I dont know why I thought it meant something different when the vibe came from a guy...
When I had that epiphany and realised I was gay asf, as amazing as I felt realising it, I didn't feel the need to tell anyone asap like I'd won a golden ticket... Well I kind of did because me accepting my sexuality was a massive deal to me.
I started dating girls and I talk to mum and sister about alot of stuff and I didn't feel the to keep it a secret them, I love talking about my dates and stuff them so I had to tell them what's poppin'.
My dad's calm about it and I haven't said anything directly to my brothers because that's not the dynamic between us, I just make comments about women, wait one of my brothers actually know now, he liked my Instagram post where I promoted part 1.
I feel like I'm rambling more now that I'm ending this 4-part blog post...
This was a long way to just say I'm a lesbian, I wanted to type up my experience to read back on because I thought it'll be interesting to read my journey, Whilst typing this 4-part blog post I was realising even more things about myself.
I've realised how much I've grown as an individual when it comes to accepting and loving myself... I'm still on the journey, but I'm quite proud of the insecurities I've overcome so far.
I also wanted to publish my journey because if any family members wanted a Q & A with me I could just direct them to my blog as it would answer the majority of their questions.
I wanted less open-minded straight peeps to read my journey and understand that people do go from thinking they're one sexuality to another, it's more common than you think and there's absolutely nothing wrong it and instead of judging you should give props to them having the courage to explore and find out who they are and what they like.
I also wanted people that are unsure of their sexuality to not feel like they're alone and going crazy. Take your time to figure it out, there's no rush. Remove all of societies stereotyped criterias you have to meet when it comes to sexual orientations, not everybody fits into them, you don't fit into them for a reason.
Please embrace who you are, the universe will direct like-minded people in your direction, but also complete opposites to teach you something whether it be how to respond to negative comments about your sexuality etc, good or bad, it's for a reason. (I had to be realistic, didn't want to sell dreams.) I hope some of you could relate to a few things. Trust me when I tell you you're not the only one.
I hope all you guys enjoyed reading about my long, confusing, dopey journey. If you want to reach me to tell me about what you related to, want to dm me for advice or anything, you can reach me on Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr or comment down below. Thank you for reading my posts and thank you for messaging me your thoughts on my previous posts. 😌💕
Happy LGBT Pride Month!😄🌈
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